ABUSE is ABUSE whether Physical, Verbal or Emotional!

Getting off the bus, sitting on a bench across from where I lived, tears rolling down my cheeks, afraid to enter my own home after working all day, not knowing what to expect, cringing inwardly at the thought of what might be waiting and my doctor's words echoing, "If you don't leave, you'll be dead in a year".

How could she know about the times I did leave. The stalking, the phone calls, the fear as I turned each corner. And my decision that it would be easier to take him back than live thru this new kind of nightmare. And so the cycle began again and again, the honeymoon stage, the normal stage, and then the abuse stage.

Like a zombie, going from day to day, in shock without realizing it. Vacation, still getting up early, going into the city and walking around aimlessly, afraid to be there when he awoke. Something in me snapped and cried out "NO MORE". I picked up the Yellow Pages and searched for a lawyer ...

That was three years ago and this site is my way of making closure.

My next page holds many links leading to the help you need
if you are in a domestic violence/battered woman situation.


PLEASE REMEMBER

Abuse has no economic boundaries.

Abuse does not discriminate.

Understand Your Legal Rights as a Battered Woman

Know that you are entitled to be safe and that there are state and public agencies, courts and shelters that are ready to assist you in your pursuit of safety.

1. Know that no one has the right to abuse you, physically or emotionally.

2. Believe that you are not responsible for the abuse and that you can find a way out.

3. Find out where the closest domestic violence shelter is and get yourself there. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger. In recent years, police have become more aware of domestic violence and will not take your concerns lightly.

4. Tell the police you want the perpetrator arrested. Press charges. Remember that it will be the town or district attorney who proves the case against him, not you.

5. Ask for a restraining order in criminal court. A court can issue an immediate restraining order to protect you, even before the case is tried. Or, go to family court and file a petition there for a restraining order based on the abuse.

6. Understand that even if you leave your home and your belongings, you have not given them up. You are entitled to a division of property if you are married. If you are not married, what's yours is yours and you can file a case in small claims court to get your things back if necessary.

7. Evict the perpetrator if you are living together in your own home. Even if you are renting the property, if you were the original tenant you can have him evicted. Check with your local town or landlord/tenant court to get information about procedures for eviction. If you are married, you will need to begin a divorce proceeding and have the court decide who will occupy the residence.

8. Do not give up your children. Even if you are the only one who is physically harmed, your children suffer emotional abuse from witnessing or being near abuse. Take them with you if you leave and file a petition for custody in family court. If you have left without your children in the course of a violent situation, pick them up from school or have a relative go to the house and get them to safety. If you are unable to do this, file a petition in family court asking for their immediate return to you. At the very least, the court will ensure that you see them regularly while the case is proceeding.

9. Contact your local child protection agency if your children are still with the perpetrator and are in danger.

10. Apply for emergency aid with your social services department. The personnel at the shelter will be able to help you with this. You can also call the department yourself and ask what help they can provide.

Tips:

If possible, try to have a plan before leaving. Know where you are going, when is the best time to go, what you will be taking and what your backup plan is.

The issue of domestic violence is more public than it used to be. Do not be ashamed or afraid to seek help. Police are trained to be sensitive to this issue and will believe you.

Remember that your rights are more important and more protected than the perpetrator's rights in our legal system.

How to File for a Restraining Order

You can obtain a restraining order most quickly by calling the police. Family court personnel and shelter volunteers can also assist you in getting one.

Steps:

1. Call 911 if you're in immediate danger. Call if you're being threatened, being abused, or if you've just been abused and the abuse has ended. Tell the police you want to press charges. The criminal court will issue a restraining order immediately if the case is prosecuted.

2. Get yourself and your children to safety. Find the local domestic violence shelter (see "How to Find a Battered Women's Shelter") and ask for help. The staff there may be able to get you to a safe house and help you file for a restraining order.

3. Go to the police station and ask how to press charges if you didn't call them right after the abuse happened. Obtain any needed papers.

4. Call your local family court and find out how to file for a restraining order in that court. Go to the court and get the papers you need.

5. Fill out all papers that are given to you. Include Social Security numbers, birth dates, dates abuse occurred, names of witnesses, any photographs that were taken, and details about exactly how you were abused.

6. Protect your children from abuse by obtaining restraining orders for them as well. Your children may be entitled to restraining orders if they were physically abused, emotionally abused or witnesses to abuse that happened to you.

7. Sign the papers before a notary if directed. Court clerks are notaries.

8. Know that you can request a restraining order during a divorce. You may do so when you file or at any time during the case.

(In some states, restraining orders are called orders of protection. Court personnel will understand either terminology. Your local court that deals with family issues may be called something other than family court.)

******

My Swirl in a Maddening Stream

He raged at me
The waters seemed to swallow me daily
Nothing I said or did was right
My inner pain was my own
He did not care
He inflicted his pain
His torment and his demands


I didn’t know any better
I thought it was my cross to bear
Why such hatred and anger in one I thought I knew so well
And loved?
Everything scares me now
Don’t shout
Don’t hit
Don’t look at me that way!
Please!!
You have broken my bones
Worse you have broken my spirit
Where is me? I do not know myself anymore
How can one person be a Dr. Jeckll and Mr. Hyde?
You are not the man I fell in love with


Yet why do I stay?
Confusion and anger I keep to myself
I do not want to upset you
Everything seems to set you off these days
What have I done?
How can I make things right again?
Do you enjoy me cringing, bleeding, and pleading?
Running for cover and being submissive to you?
Is this the power you wield over me?
That I am your possession to do with, as you want?
Someone help me
I want to be my own woman again!

©N.M. Graham
7/16/2000









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